More - David Sedaris Quotes

Seven beers followed by two Scotches and a thimble of marijuana and it's funny how sleep comes all on it's own.

David Sedaris

 Bed

We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.

David Sedaris

 Alcohol And Alcoholism

Anyone who watches even the slightest amount of TV is familiar with the scene: An agent knocks on the door of some seemingly ordinary home or office. The door opens, and the person holding the knob is asked to identify himself. The agent then says, "I'm going to ask you to come with me."

David Sedaris

 

Shit is the tofu of cursing.

David Sedaris

 

Maybe I'll learn a trade. I've considered taxidermy. I always thought it was a shame you couldn't do that on people.

David Sedaris

 

Why refer to Lady Crack Pipe or Good Sir Dishrag when these things could never live up to all that their sex implied.

David Sedaris

 Crack

It was my friend Frank, a writer in San Francisco, who finally set me straight. When asked about my new look he put down his fork and stared at me for a few moments. "A bow tie announces to the world you can no longer get an erection.

David Sedaris

 

On Undecided Voter?s: "To put them in perspective, I think? of being? on an airplane.? The flight attendant comes? down the aisle? with her food cart and, eventually,? parks? it beside my seat.? “Can I inter?est you in the chick?en??” she asks.? “Or would? you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broke?n glass? in it?” To be undecided in this elect?ion is to pause? for a moment and then ask how the chick?en is cooked.

David Sedaris

 Democrats

I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.

David Sedaris

 American Writer

My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for who I am. Concentrate too hard on the millions of people who hate you for what you are and you're likely to turn into one of those unkempt, sloppy dressers who sag beneath the weight of the two hundred political buttons they wear pinned to their coats and knapsacks.

David Sedaris

 Hate