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More - Tim Vine Quotes

So I said to the Gym instructor

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice. - Tim Vine Quotes

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. - Tim Vine Quotes

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

British Comedian Funny Hunting

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.' - Tim Vine Quotes

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

British Comedian Funny Home

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down. - Tim Vine Quotes

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

British Comedian Funny History

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red. - Tim Vine Quotes

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

British Comedian Chinese Funny

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. - Tim Vine Quotes

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Love

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.' - Tim Vine Quotes

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

British Comedian Funny

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet. - Tim Vine Quotes

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

British Comedian Funny

So I went down the local supermarket, I said

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

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