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More - Jack Handey Quotes

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes. - Jack Handey Quotes

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

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On the other hand, you have different fingers - Jack Handey Quotes

On the other hand, you have different fingers

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes & dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.' - Jack Handey Quotes

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes & dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.'

The other day I got out my can-opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, What am I doing?! - Jack Handey Quotes

The other day I got out my can-opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, What am I doing?!

The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around in it until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go hey, I'm Vine Man. - Jack Handey Quotes

The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around in it until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go hey, I'm Vine Man.

If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way - Jack Handey Quotes

If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way

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If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast. - Jack Handey Quotes

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.

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Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides. - Jack Handey Quotes

Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.

Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat. - Jack Handey Quotes

Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.

I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times. I think they got the point. - Jack Handey Quotes

I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times. I think they got the point.

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