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【TOP 50】Comedian Quotes - WhatsApp Status | Page-1

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Page 1 of 36, Showing 50 of 1774 Records

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See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. - Robin Williams Quotes

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

American Comedian Funny

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. - Johnny Carson Quotes

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

American Comedian Funny

In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure. - Bill Cosby Quotes

In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.

American Comedian Desire Motivational Quote of the Day

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Rodney Dangerfield

American Comedian Funny

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. - Josh Billings Quotes

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

American Comedian Animals Funny inspirational Love

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need the advice. - Bill Cosby Quotes

A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need the advice.

Advice American Comedian Funny

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself. - Johnny Carson Quotes

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

American Comedian Death Funny

Earnestness is stupidity sent to college. - P. J. O'Rourke Quotes

Earnestness is stupidity sent to college.

American Comedian College Funny

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. - Elayne Boosler Quotes

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

American Comedian Country Funny Quote of the Day

James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was. - Will Ferrell Quotes

James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was.

American Comedian Funny

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. - Emo Philips Quotes

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

American Comedian Funny Speech

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. - Johnny Carson Quotes

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

American Comedian Funny

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.' - Tommy Cooper Quotes

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

British Comedian Funny

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. - Groucho Marx Quotes

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

American Comedian Funny

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx Quotes

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

American Comedian Funny

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. - W. C. Fields Quotes

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

American Comedian Funny Quote of the Day

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. - Groucho Marx Quotes

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

American Comedian Books And Reading Funny

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini? - Robert Benchley Quotes

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

Robert Benchley

American Comedian Funny

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. - Phyllis Diller Quotes

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

American Comedian Baseball Funny Quote of the Day

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Elayne Boosler Quotes

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

American Comedian Funny Quote of the Day

I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red. - David Letterman Quotes

I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.

David Letterman

American Comedian Funny

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless. - Billy Connolly Quotes

I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.

Funny Scottish Comedian

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. - W. C. Fields Quotes

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

American Comedian Funny

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno Quotes

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

American Comedian Doctors Funny Quote of the Day Short

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. - George Carlin Quotes

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

American Comedian Funny

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. - Emo Philips Quotes

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

American Comedian Funny

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it. - Bill Cosby Quotes

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.

American Comedian Funny

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? - Stephen Wright Quotes

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

American Comedian Coffee Funny

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

American Comedian Funny

The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person. - P. J. O'Rourke Quotes

The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.

American Comedian Funny

Electricity is really just organized lightning. - George Carlin Quotes

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

American Comedian Electricity Funny

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. - Stephen Wright Quotes

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

American Comedian Body Funny

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned. - W. C. Fields Quotes

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

American Comedian Funny

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much. - Bill Cosby Quotes

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

American Comedian Funny

You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it. - Robin Williams Quotes

You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.

American Comedian Funny Madness Quote of the Day

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch. - W. C. Fields Quotes

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

American Comedian Funny

Privacy and security are those things you give up when you show the world what makes you extraordinary. - Margaret Cho Quotes

Privacy and security are those things you give up when you show the world what makes you extraordinary.

American Comedian Funny Privacy

And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States. - David Letterman Quotes

And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States.

David Letterman

American Comedian Funny

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. - Milton Berle Quotes

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

American Comedian Funny

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. - Joan Rivers Quotes

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

American Comedian Birth Funny

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. - Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

American Comedian Funny

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag. - David Letterman Quotes

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.

David Letterman

American Comedian Funny

There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right. - Bill Cosby Quotes

There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right.

American Comedian Funny

The biases the media has are much bigger than conservative or liberal. They're about getting ratings, about making money, about doing stories that are easy to cover. - Al Franken Quotes

The biases the media has are much bigger than conservative or liberal. They're about getting ratings, about making money, about doing stories that are easy to cover.

American Comedian Conservative Funny

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal. - Bill Cosby Quotes

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.

American Comedian Behavior Funny

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible. - George Burns Quotes

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

American Comedian Beginning Funny Quote of the Day

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. - Stephen Wright Quotes

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

American Comedian Fishing Funny

I feel like I'm working on an oil rig right now. I'm away from home a lot. - Hugh Laurie Quotes

I feel like I'm working on an oil rig right now. I'm away from home a lot.

British Comedian Funny Home

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' - Tommy Cooper Quotes

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

British Comedian Funny Quote of the Day

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! - Henry Youngman Quotes

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

American Comedian Bed Funny

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