【TOP 50】George Carlin Quotes - WhatsApp Status | Page-1

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

George Carlin

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating......and you finish off as an orgasm.

George Carlin

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

George Carlin

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose

George Carlin

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist

George Carlin

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things

George Carlin

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

George Carlin

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting

George Carlin

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity

George Carlin

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt

George Carlin

Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.

George Carlin

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten

George Carlin

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it

George Carlin

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

George Carlin

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Coliseum called the Caesarian Section

George Carlin

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket

George Carlin

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

George Carlin

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election

George Carlin

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac

George Carlin

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a part of hell will break loose - it'll be much harder to detect

George Carlin

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

George Carlin

we get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.

George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept

George Carlin

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor

George Carlin

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with

George Carlin

Cop didn't see it, I didn't do it!

George Carlin

Here's somthing you never hear someone say: 'As soon as I stick this red hot poker up my ass i'm going to chop my dick off'.

George Carlin

The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is

George Carlin

What if Alexander Graham Bell's name were Alexander Graham Siren? The phone wouldn't ring, it would GO OFF!! EERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! HELLO! HELLO!!

George Carlin

The caterpillar does all the work but the butterfly gets all the publicity

George Carlin

If it requires a uniform it's a worthless endeavor

George Carlin

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good Amercian because I like to form my own opionions.

George Carlin

Think off-center.

George Carlin

The status quo sucks.

George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

George Carlin

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes

George Carlin

Religion is just mind control

George Carlin

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

George Carlin

The bigger they are, the worse they smell

George Carlin

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans

George Carlin

I enjoy watching reruns of Saturday Night Live and counting all the dead people

George Carlin

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it

George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth

George Carlin

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

George Carlin

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

George Carlin

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse

George Carlin

They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.

George Carlin

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like

George Carlin

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

George Carlin