More - George Carlin Quotes

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

George Carlin

 Criticism

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating......and you finish off as an orgasm.

George Carlin

 

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

George Carlin

 

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose

George Carlin

 Books And Reading

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist

George Carlin

 

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things

George Carlin

 Editor's Pick Funny Quote of the Day

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

George Carlin

 American Comedian Funny

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

George Carlin

 American Comedian Electricity Funny

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting

George Carlin

 Night

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity

George Carlin

 Fighting