Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. - Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. Jerry Seinfeld
 American Comedian Editor's Pick Funny Quote of the Day

More - Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. - Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Jerry Seinfeld

 Funny Life Quote of the Day
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. - Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Jerry Seinfeld

 American Comedian Funny
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! - Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

Jerry Seinfeld

 American Comedian Funny IRS
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here. - Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews, Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.

Jerry Seinfeld

 Army
Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's notto be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we areto the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing. - Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's notto be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we areto the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.

Jerry Seinfeld

 Birthday
We're just cheering for laundry! - Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

We're just cheering for laundry!

Jerry Seinfeld

 
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like,

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."

Jerry Seinfeld

 American Comedian Funny
Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us. - Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

Jerry Seinfeld

 American Comedian Babies Funny
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law. - Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

Jerry Seinfeld

 American Comedian Comedy Funny
stinking from smoked salmon and covered in grass stains from playing in the park, (they) are not going away. - Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

stinking from smoked salmon and covered in grass stains from playing in the park, (they) are not going away.

Jerry Seinfeld

 
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