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More - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.

Funny

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at... - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at...

Swiss Cheese is a rip-off! It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss! - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Swiss Cheese is a rip-off! It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss!

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

American Comedian Funny

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide... - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide...

Funny Quote of the Day

I went to the store to bye a candle holder. They didn't have one so I got a cake. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

I went to the store to bye a candle holder. They didn't have one so I got a cake.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.

My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes

My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

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