When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled,
When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien, I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?" When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should make you feel that way. Jack Handy
 

More - Jack Handy Quotes

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. - Jack Handy Quotes

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Jack Handy

 Laughter
If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny. - Jack Handy Quotes

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

Jack Handy

 
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness? - Jack Handy Quotes

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

Jack Handy

 Brains
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. - Jack Handy Quotes

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

Jack Handy

 
I think a good product would be Baby Duck Hat. It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live) - Jack Handy Quotes

I think a good product would be Baby Duck Hat. It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)

Jack Handy

 Babies
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not. - Jack Handy Quotes

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.

Jack Handy

 
Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo. - Jack Handy Quotes

Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.

Jack Handy

 
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. - Jack Handy Quotes

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Jack Handy

 
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

Jack Handy

 People
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? - Jack Handy Quotes

What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?

Jack Handy

 
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