I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said,
I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?" Emo Philips
 Senate

More - Emo Philips Quotes

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy. - Emo Philips Quotes

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

Emo Philips

 American Comedian Funny Speech
New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said,

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

Emo Philips

 
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me. - Emo Philips Quotes

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Emo Philips

 American Comedian Funny
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. - Emo Philips Quotes

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

 American Comedian Boxing Funny Quote of the Day Short
I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. - Emo Philips Quotes

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

Emo Philips

 American Comedian Funny
People always ask me,

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.

Emo Philips

 American Comedian Funny
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. - Emo Philips Quotes

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

Emo Philips

 American Comedian Devil Funny
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. - Emo Philips Quotes

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

Emo Philips

 American Comedian Evil Funny
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. - Emo Philips Quotes

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Emo Philips

 
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. - Emo Philips Quotes

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.

Emo Philips

 American Comedian Funny
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