More - Eddie Izzard Quotes

My name is NOT Tracy

Eddie Izzard

 

So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naïve, I feel!

Eddie Izzard

 

If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.

Eddie Izzard

 British Comedian Funny

You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.

Eddie Izzard

 Restaurants

Never put a sock in a toaster.

Eddie Izzard

 British Comedian Funny

Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that. Hitler killed people next door. Oh, stupid man. After a couple of years we won't stand for that, will we?

Eddie Izzard

 

Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. Ok, we canswing with that. But performance debilitating drugs should not bebanned. Smoke a joint and win the hundred meters, fair play for you.That's pretty damn good. Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off inthe distance.

Eddie Izzard

 Drugs

And you don’t get the normal perks of a normal job, like people who work in an office; they have other people there, you can flirt, you know? You go, “Hey! Oh, you’re new here, aren’t you? How are you getting on? Do you want a coffee? I was gonna go get a coffee- I can get you a coffee… You know, I like my coffee like I like my women- in a plastic cup!”Beekeepers can’t do that! 2,000 bees… (buzzing sounds) “Hello, there, you in the street! You’re new, aren’t you?”(scared) “Huh?”“Do you want a cup of coffee? It’s no problem! (buzzing continues) No real problem…”“I don’t want a cup of coffee from you! You’re covered in bees!”“I like my women like I like my coffee… covered in bees! Now back off, back off!” (screams)They’re always just behind you… or in front. If beekeepers get together, and go in a sort of general outing, and they’re in a van with a lot of bees following, “Faster! Faster! (buzzing sounds) Faster! Put your foot down!”(sighs) Yes…

Eddie Izzard

 Office

And you don’t get the normal perks of a normal job, like people who work in an office; they have other people there, you can flirt, you know? You go, “Hey! Oh, you’re new here, aren’t you? How are you getting on? Do you want a coffee? I was gonna go get a coffee- I can get you a coffee… You know, I like my coffee like I like my women- in a plastic cup!”Beekeepers can’t do that! 2,000 bees… (buzzing sounds) “Hello, there, you in the street! You’re new, aren’t you?”(scared) “Huh?”“Do you want a cup of coffee? It’s no problem! (buzzing continues) No real problem…”“I don’t want a cup of coffee from you! You’re covered in bees!”“I like my women like I like my coffee… covered in bees! Now back off, back off!” (screams)They’re always just behind you… or in front. If beekeepers get together, and go in a sort of general outing, and they’re in a van with a lot of bees following, “Faster! Faster! (buzzing sounds) Faster! Put your foot down!”(sighs) Yes…

Eddie Izzard

 Office

They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'

Eddie Izzard

 British Comedian Funny