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A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms agains himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

American Journalist Doubt French Dramatist

$PAST, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential prayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing, beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are one --the knowledge and the dream. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes$

PAST, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential prayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing, beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are one --the knowledge and the dream.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

$PAST, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. [T]he Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are one -- the knowledge and the dream. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes$

PAST, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. [T]he Past is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are one -- the knowledge and the dream.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Law

There are 4 kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

There are 4 kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

The covers of this book are too far apart. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

American Journalist

PREJUDICE, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

PREJUDICE, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

PRESENT, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

PRESENT, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

American Journalist Disappointment

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Absence blots people out. We really have no absent friends. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

Absence blots people out. We really have no absent friends.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Absence American Journalist

RESPONSIBILITY, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.Alas, things ain't what we should see If Eve had let that apple be; And many a feller which had ought To set with monarchses of thought, Or play some rosy little game With battle-chaps on fields of fame, Is downed by his unlucky star And hollers:

RESPONSIBILITY, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.Alas, things ain't what we should see If Eve had let that apple be; And many a feller which had ought To set with monarchses of thought, Or play some rosy little game With battle-chaps on fields of fame, Is downed by his unlucky star And hollers: "Peanuts! --here you are!" --"The Sturdy Beggar"

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Fate

A wedding is a ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

A wedding is a ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

MOLECULE, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation of precipitation of matter from ether --whose existence is proved by the condensation of precipitation. The present trend of scientific thought is toward the theory of ions. The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion. A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more about the matter than the others. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

MOLECULE, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation of precipitation of matter from ether --whose existence is proved by the condensation of precipitation. The present trend of scientific thought is toward the theory of ions. The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion. A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more about the matter than the others.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

IMPALE, v.t. In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which remains fixed in the wound. This, however, is inaccurate; to imaple is, properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into the body, the victim being left in a sitting position. This was a common mode of punishment among many of the nations of antiquity, and is still in high favor in China and other parts of Asia. Down to the beginning of the fifteenth century it was widely employed in

IMPALE, v.t. In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which remains fixed in the wound. This, however, is inaccurate; to imaple is, properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into the body, the victim being left in a sitting position. This was a common mode of punishment among many of the nations of antiquity, and is still in high favor in China and other parts of Asia. Down to the beginning of the fifteenth century it was widely employed in "churching" heretics and schismatics. Wolecraft calls it the "stoole of repentynge," and among the common people it was jocularly known as "riding the one legged horse." Ludwig Salzmann informs us that in Thibet impalement is considered the most appropriate punishment for crimes against religion; and although in China it is sometimes awarded for secular offences, it is most frequently adjudged in cases of sacrilege. To the person in actual experience of impalement it must be a matter of minor importance by what kind of civil or religious dissent he was made acquainted with its discomforts; but doubtless he would feel a certain satisfaction if able to contemplate himself in the character of a weather-cock on the spire of the True Church.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

WITCH, n. (1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

WITCH, n. (1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Devil

SERIAL, n. A literary work, usually a story that is not true, creeping through several issues of a newspaper or magazine. Frequently appended to each installment is a

SERIAL, n. A literary work, usually a story that is not true, creeping through several issues of a newspaper or magazine. Frequently appended to each installment is a "synposis of preceding chapters" for those who have not read them, but a direr need is a synposis of succeeding chapters for those who do not intend to read _them_. A synposis of the entire work would be still better. The late James F. Bowman was writing a serial tale for a weekly paper in collaboration with a genius whose name has not come down to us. They wrote, not jointly but alternately, Bowman supplying the installment for one week, his friend for the next, and so on, world without end, they hoped. Unfortunately they quarreled, and one Monday morning when Bowman read the paper to prepare himself for his task, he found his work cut out for him in a way to surprise and pain him. His collaborator had embarked every character of the narrative on a ship and sunk them all in the deepest part of the Atlantic.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

HURRICANE, n. An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain old-fashioned sea-captains. It is also used in the construction of the upper decks of steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane's usefulness has outlasted it. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

HURRICANE, n. An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain old-fashioned sea-captains. It is also used in the construction of the upper decks of steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane's usefulness has outlasted it.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of our neighbors. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of our neighbors.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Honorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as,

Honorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

MUMMY, n. An ancient Egyptian . . . handy, too, in museums in gratifying the vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower animals. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

MUMMY, n. An ancient Egyptian . . . handy, too, in museums in gratifying the vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower animals.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another. When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was observed to be deeply moved.

CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another. When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was observed to be deeply moved. "What!" said one of his disciples, "you weep at the death of an enemy?" "Ah, 'tis true," replied the great Stoic; "but you should see me smile at the death of a friend."

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

TZETZE (or TSETSE) FLY, n. An African insect (_Glossina morsitans_) whose bite is commonly regarded as nature's most efficacious remedy for insomnia, though some patients prefer that of the American novelist (_Mendax interminabilis_). - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

TZETZE (or TSETSE) FLY, n. An African insect (_Glossina morsitans_) whose bite is commonly regarded as nature's most efficacious remedy for insomnia, though some patients prefer that of the American novelist (_Mendax interminabilis_).

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

CAABA, n. A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca. The patriarch had perhaps asked the archangel for bread. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

CAABA, n. A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca. The patriarch had perhaps asked the archangel for bread.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

REGALIA, n. Distinguishing insignia, jewels and costume of such ancient and honorable orders as Knights of Adam; Visionaries of Detectable Bosh; the Ancient Order of Modern Troglodytes; the League of Holy Humbug; the Golden Phalanx of Phalangers; the Genteel Society of Expurgated Hoodlums; the Mystic Alliances of Georgeous Regalians; Knights and Ladies of the Yellow Dog; the Oriental Order of Sons of the West; the Blatherhood of Insufferable Stuff; Warriors of the Long Bow; Guardians of the Great Horn Spoon; the Band of Brutes; the Impenitent Order of Wife-Beaters; the Sublime Legion of Flamboyant Conspicuants; Worshipers at the Electroplated Shrine; Shining Inaccessibles; Fee-Faw-Fummers of the inimitable Grip; Jannissaries of the Broad-Blown Peacock; Plumed Increscencies of the Magic Temple; the Grand Cabal of Able-Bodied Sedentarians; Associated Deities of the Butter Trade; the Garden of Galoots; the Affectionate Fraternity of Men Similarly Warted; the Flashing Astonishers; Ladies of Horror; Cooperative Association for Breaking into the Spotlight; Dukes of Eden; Disciples Militant of the Hidden Faith; Knights-Champions of the Domestic Dog; the Holy Gregarians; the Resolute Optimists; the Ancient Sodality of Inhospitable Hogs; Associated Sovereigns of Mendacity; Dukes-Guardian of the Mystic Cess-Pool; the Society for Prevention of Prevalence; Kings of Drink; Polite Federation of Gents-Consequential; the Mysterious Order of the Undecipherable Scroll; Uniformed Rank of Lousy Cats; Monarchs of Worth and Hunger; Sons of the South Star; Prelates of the Tub-and-Sword. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

REGALIA, n. Distinguishing insignia, jewels and costume of such ancient and honorable orders as Knights of Adam; Visionaries of Detectable Bosh; the Ancient Order of Modern Troglodytes; the League of Holy Humbug; the Golden Phalanx of Phalangers; the Genteel Society of Expurgated Hoodlums; the Mystic Alliances of Georgeous Regalians; Knights and Ladies of the Yellow Dog; the Oriental Order of Sons of the West; the Blatherhood of Insufferable Stuff; Warriors of the Long Bow; Guardians of the Great Horn Spoon; the Band of Brutes; the Impenitent Order of Wife-Beaters; the Sublime Legion of Flamboyant Conspicuants; Worshipers at the Electroplated Shrine; Shining Inaccessibles; Fee-Faw-Fummers of the inimitable Grip; Jannissaries of the Broad-Blown Peacock; Plumed Increscencies of the Magic Temple; the Grand Cabal of Able-Bodied Sedentarians; Associated Deities of the Butter Trade; the Garden of Galoots; the Affectionate Fraternity of Men Similarly Warted; the Flashing Astonishers; Ladies of Horror; Cooperative Association for Breaking into the Spotlight; Dukes of Eden; Disciples Militant of the Hidden Faith; Knights-Champions of the Domestic Dog; the Holy Gregarians; the Resolute Optimists; the Ancient Sodality of Inhospitable Hogs; Associated Sovereigns of Mendacity; Dukes-Guardian of the Mystic Cess-Pool; the Society for Prevention of Prevalence; Kings of Drink; Polite Federation of Gents-Consequential; the Mysterious Order of the Undecipherable Scroll; Uniformed Rank of Lousy Cats; Monarchs of Worth and Hunger; Sons of the South Star; Prelates of the Tub-and-Sword.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Least said is soonest disavowed. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

Least said is soonest disavowed.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

ABSOLUTE, adj. Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins. Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign's power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, which are governed by chance. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

ABSOLUTE, adj. Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases the assassins. Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign's power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, which are governed by chance.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

PREHISTORIC, adj. Belonging to an early period and a museum. Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood.He lived in a period prehistoric, When all was absurd and phantasmagoric. Born later, when Clio, celestial recorded, Set down great events in succession and order, He surely had seen nothing droll or fortuitous In anything here but the lies that she threw at us. --Orpheus Bowen - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

PREHISTORIC, adj. Belonging to an early period and a museum. Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood.He lived in a period prehistoric, When all was absurd and phantasmagoric. Born later, when Clio, celestial recorded, Set down great events in succession and order, He surely had seen nothing droll or fortuitous In anything here but the lies that she threw at us. --Orpheus Bowen

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Art

ADHERENT, n. A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

ADHERENT, n. A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

In Italian, a belladonna is a beautiful lady; in English, it's a deadly poison. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

In Italian, a belladonna is a beautiful lady; in English, it's a deadly poison.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

TEDIUM, n. Ennui, the state or condition of one that is bored. Many fanciful derivations of the word have been affirmed, but so high an authority as Father Jape says that it comes from a very obvious source --the first words of the ancient Latin hymn _Te Deum Laudamus_. In this apparently natural derivation there is something that saddens. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

TEDIUM, n. Ennui, the state or condition of one that is bored. Many fanciful derivations of the word have been affirmed, but so high an authority as Father Jape says that it comes from a very obvious source --the first words of the ancient Latin hymn _Te Deum Laudamus_. In this apparently natural derivation there is something that saddens.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

ARCHBISHOP, n. An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop.If I were a jolly archbishop, On Fridays I'd eat all the fish up -- Salmon and flounders and smelts; On other days everything else. --Jodo Rem - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

ARCHBISHOP, n. An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop.If I were a jolly archbishop, On Fridays I'd eat all the fish up -- Salmon and flounders and smelts; On other days everything else. --Jodo Rem

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands, you are safe, for you can watch both his. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands, you are safe, for you can watch both his.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Acquaintance is a degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor and obscure, and intimate when he is rich and famous. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

Acquaintance is a degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor and obscure, and intimate when he is rich and famous.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

METROPOLIS, n. A stronghold of provincialism. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

METROPOLIS, n. A stronghold of provincialism.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

CLOSE-FISTED, adj. Unduly desirous of keeping that which many meritorious persons wish to obtain.

CLOSE-FISTED, adj. Unduly desirous of keeping that which many meritorious persons wish to obtain."Close-fisted Scotchman!" Johnson cried To thrifty J. Macpherson;"See me --I'm ready to divide With any worthy person." Sad Jamie: "That is very true -- The boast requires no backing; And all are worthy, sir, to you, Who have what you are lacking." --Anita M. Bobe

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

American Journalist

TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, sometimes tolerably totally.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

WITTICISM, n. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted, and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a

WITTICISM, n. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted, and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a "joke."

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

SATIETY, n. The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eaten its contents, madam. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

SATIETY, n. The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eaten its contents, madam.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

FRYING-PAN, n. One part of the penal apparatus employed in that punitive institution, a woman's kitchen. The frying-pan was invented by Calvin, and by him used in cooking span-long infants that had died without baptism; and observing one day the horrible torment of a tramp who had incautiously pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump and devoured it, it occurred to the great divine to rob death of its terrors by introducing the frying-pan into every household in Geneva. Thence it spread to all corners of the world, and has been of invaluable assistance in the propagation of his sombre faith. The following lines (said to be from the pen of his Grace Bishop Potter) seem to imply that the usefulness of this utensil is not limited to this world; but as the consequences of its employment in this life reach over into the life to come, so also itself may be found on the other side, rewarding its devotees:Old Nick was summoned to the skies. Said Peter:

FRYING-PAN, n. One part of the penal apparatus employed in that punitive institution, a woman's kitchen. The frying-pan was invented by Calvin, and by him used in cooking span-long infants that had died without baptism; and observing one day the horrible torment of a tramp who had incautiously pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump and devoured it, it occurred to the great divine to rob death of its terrors by introducing the frying-pan into every household in Geneva. Thence it spread to all corners of the world, and has been of invaluable assistance in the propagation of his sombre faith. The following lines (said to be from the pen of his Grace Bishop Potter) seem to imply that the usefulness of this utensil is not limited to this world; but as the consequences of its employment in this life reach over into the life to come, so also itself may be found on the other side, rewarding its devotees:Old Nick was summoned to the skies. Said Peter: "Your intentions Are good, but you lack enterprise Concerning new inventions."Now, broiling in an ancient plan Of torment, but I hear it Reported that the frying-pan Sears best the wicked spirit."Go get one --fill it up with fat -- Fry sinners brown and good in't.""I know a trick worth two o' that," Said Nick --"I'll cook their food in't."

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

MAGNET, n. Something acted upon by magnetism. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

MAGNET, n. Something acted upon by magnetism.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

GARGOYLE, n. A rain-spout projecting from the eaves of mediaeval buildings, commonly fashioned into a grotesque caricature of some personal enemy of the architect or owner of the building. This was especially the case in churches and ecclesiastical structures generally, in which the gargoyles presented a perfect rogues' gallery of local heretics and controversialists. Sometimes when a new dean and chapter were installed the old gargoyles were removed and others substituted having a closer relation to the private animosities of the new incumbents. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

GARGOYLE, n. A rain-spout projecting from the eaves of mediaeval buildings, commonly fashioned into a grotesque caricature of some personal enemy of the architect or owner of the building. This was especially the case in churches and ecclesiastical structures generally, in which the gargoyles presented a perfect rogues' gallery of local heretics and controversialists. Sometimes when a new dean and chapter were installed the old gargoyles were removed and others substituted having a closer relation to the private animosities of the new incumbents.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

PHOENIX, n. The classical prototype of the modern

PHOENIX, n. The classical prototype of the modern "small hot bird."

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments, ten in number --just enough to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the Decalogue, calculated for this meridian.Thou shalt no God but me adore:'Twere too expensive to have more.No images nor idols make For Robert Ingersoll to break.Take not God's name in vain; select A time when it will have effect.Work not on Sabbath days at all, But go to see the teams play ball.Honor thy parents. That creates For life insurance lower rates.Kill not, abet not those who kill; Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill.Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless Thine own thy neighbor doth caressDon't steal; thou'lt never thus compete Successfully in business. Cheat.Bear not false witness --that is low -- But

DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments, ten in number --just enough to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the Decalogue, calculated for this meridian.Thou shalt no God but me adore:'Twere too expensive to have more.No images nor idols make For Robert Ingersoll to break.Take not God's name in vain; select A time when it will have effect.Work not on Sabbath days at all, But go to see the teams play ball.Honor thy parents. That creates For life insurance lower rates.Kill not, abet not those who kill; Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill.Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless Thine own thy neighbor doth caressDon't steal; thou'lt never thus compete Successfully in business. Cheat.Bear not false witness --that is low -- But "hear 'tis rumored so and so."Cover thou naught that thou hast not By hook or crook, or somehow, got. --G.J.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

American Journalist

FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.To Rome said Nero:

FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.To Rome said Nero: "If to smoke you turn I shall not cease to fiddle while you burn." To Nero Rome replied: "Pray do your worst,'Tis my excuse that you were fiddling first." --Orm Pludge

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

TOPE, v. To tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush, bib, or swig. In the individual, toping is regarded with disesteem, but toping nations are in the forefront of civilization and power. When pitted against the hard-drinking Christians the absemious Mahometans go down like grass before the scythe. In India one hundred thousand beef- eating and brandy-and-soda guzzling Britons hold in subjection two hundred and fifty million vegetarian abstainers of the same Aryan race. With what an easy grace the whisky-loving American pushed the temperate Spaniard out of his possessions! From the time when the Berserkers ravaged all the coasts of western Europe and lay drunk in every conquered port it has been the same way: everywhere the nations that drink too much are observed to fight rather well and not too righteously. Wherefore the estimable old ladies who abolished the canteen from the American army may justly boast of having materially augmented the nation's military power. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

TOPE, v. To tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush, bib, or swig. In the individual, toping is regarded with disesteem, but toping nations are in the forefront of civilization and power. When pitted against the hard-drinking Christians the absemious Mahometans go down like grass before the scythe. In India one hundred thousand beef- eating and brandy-and-soda guzzling Britons hold in subjection two hundred and fifty million vegetarian abstainers of the same Aryan race. With what an easy grace the whisky-loving American pushed the temperate Spaniard out of his possessions! From the time when the Berserkers ravaged all the coasts of western Europe and lay drunk in every conquered port it has been the same way: everywhere the nations that drink too much are observed to fight rather well and not too righteously. Wherefore the estimable old ladies who abolished the canteen from the American army may justly boast of having materially augmented the nation's military power.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Interpreter, n.: One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

Interpreter, n.: One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

MOUSQUETAIRE, n. A long glove covering a part of the arm. Worn in New Jersey. But

MOUSQUETAIRE, n. A long glove covering a part of the arm. Worn in New Jersey. But "mousquetaire" is a might poor way to spell muskeeter.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

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