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ENVY, n. Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

ENVY, n. Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Envy

Here's to woman! Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

Here's to woman! Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Woman

CONVERSATION, n. A fair to the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbor. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

CONVERSATION, n. A fair to the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbor.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

DATARY, n. A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic Church, whose important function is to brand the Pope's bulls with the words _Datum Romae_. He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship of God.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Taste

FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like _caries_ and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like _caries_ and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

J is a consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel --than which nothing could be more absurd. Its original form, which has been but slightly modified, was that of the tail of a subdued dog, and it was not a letter but a character, standing for a Latin verb, _jacere_,

J is a consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel --than which nothing could be more absurd. Its original form, which has been but slightly modified, was that of the tail of a subdued dog, and it was not a letter but a character, standing for a Latin verb, _jacere_, ""to throw,"" because when a stone is thrown at a dog the dog's tail assumes that shape. This is the origin of the letter, as expounded by the renowned Dr. Jocolpus Bumer, of the University of Belgrade, who established his conclusions on the subject in a work of three quarto volumes and committed suicide on being reminded that the j in the Roman alphabet had originally no curl.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Habit

ENVELOPE, n. The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

ENVELOPE, n. The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Bed

OBLIVION, n. The state or condition in which the wicked cease from struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal dumping ground. Cold storage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors meet their works without pride and their betters without envy. A dormitory without an alarm clock. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

OBLIVION, n. The state or condition in which the wicked cease from struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal dumping ground. Cold storage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors meet their works without pride and their betters without envy. A dormitory without an alarm clock.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Rest

KING, n. A male person commonly known in America as a

KING, n. A male person commonly known in America as a ""crowned head,"" although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of.A king, in times long, long gone by, Said to his lazy jester:""If I were you and you were I My moments merrily would fly -- Nor care nor grief to pester.""""The reason, Sire, that you would thrive,"" The fool said --""if you'll hear it -- Is that of all the fools alive Who own you for their sovereign, I've The most forgiving spirit."" --Oogum Bem

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

PASTIME, n. A device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise for intellectual debility. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

PASTIME, n. A device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise for intellectual debility.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

American Journalist Man

ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and detraction. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and detraction.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Envy

JOSS-STICKS, n. Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

JOSS-STICKS, n. Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

HYENA, n. A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from its habit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead. But the medical student does that. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

HYENA, n. A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from its habit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead. But the medical student does that.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Marriage is the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

Marriage is the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Early one June morning in 1872 I murdered my father - an act which made a deep impression on me at the time - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

Early one June morning in 1872 I murdered my father - an act which made a deep impression on me at the time

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

WIDOW, n. A pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed to take humorously, although Christ's tenderness towards widows was one of the most marked features of his character. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

WIDOW, n. A pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed to take humorously, although Christ's tenderness towards widows was one of the most marked features of his character.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

SAUCE, n. The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one sauce has only nine hundred and ninety-nine. For every sauce invented and accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

SAUCE, n. The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one sauce has only nine hundred and ninety-nine. For every sauce invented and accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

SCARABEE, n. The same as scarabaeus.He fell by his own hand Beneath the great oak tree. He'd traveled in a foreign land. He tried to make her understand The dance that's called the Saraband, But he called it Scarabee. He had called it so through an afternoon, And she, the light of his harem if so might be, Had smiled and said naught. O the body was fair to see, All frosted there in the shine o' the moon -- Dead for a Scarabee And a recollection that came too late. O Fate! They buried him where he lay, He sleeps awaiting the Day, In state, And two Possible Puns, moon-eyed and wan, Gloom over the grave and then move on. Dead for a Scarabee! --Fernando Tapple - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

SCARABEE, n. The same as scarabaeus.He fell by his own hand Beneath the great oak tree. He'd traveled in a foreign land. He tried to make her understand The dance that's called the Saraband, But he called it Scarabee. He had called it so through an afternoon, And she, the light of his harem if so might be, Had smiled and said naught. O the body was fair to see, All frosted there in the shine o' the moon -- Dead for a Scarabee And a recollection that came too late. O Fate! They buried him where he lay, He sleeps awaiting the Day, In state, And two Possible Puns, moon-eyed and wan, Gloom over the grave and then move on. Dead for a Scarabee! --Fernando Tapple

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

W (double U) has, of all the letters in our alphabet, the only cumbrous name, the names of the others being monosyllabic. This advantage of the Roman alphabet over the Grecian is the more valued after audibly spelling out some simple Greek word, like _epixoriambikos_. Still, it is now thought by the learned that other agencies than the difference of the two alphabets may have been concerned in the decline of

W (double U) has, of all the letters in our alphabet, the only cumbrous name, the names of the others being monosyllabic. This advantage of the Roman alphabet over the Grecian is the more valued after audibly spelling out some simple Greek word, like _epixoriambikos_. Still, it is now thought by the learned that other agencies than the difference of the two alphabets may have been concerned in the decline of ""the glory that was Greece"" and the rise of ""the grandeur that was Rome."" There can be no doubt, however, that by simplifying the name of W (calling it ""wow,"" for example) our civilization could be, if not promoted, at least better endured.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

INTRODUCTION, n. A social ceremony invented by the devil for the gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies. The introduction attains its most malevolent development in this century, being, indeed, closely related to our political system. Every American being the equal of every other American, it follows that everybody has the right to know everybody else, which implies the right to introduce without request or permission. The Declaration of Independence should have read thus:

INTRODUCTION, n. A social ceremony invented by the devil for the gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies. The introduction attains its most malevolent development in this century, being, indeed, closely related to our political system. Every American being the equal of every other American, it follows that everybody has the right to know everybody else, which implies the right to introduce without request or permission. The Declaration of Independence should have read thus:""We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, and the right to make that of another miserable by thrusting upon him an incalculable quantity of acquaintances; liberty, particularly the liberty to introduce persons to one another without first ascertaining if they are not already acquainted as enemies; and the pursuit of another's happiness with a running pack of strangers.""

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Devil

VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass.They say that hens do cackle loudest when There's nothing vital in the eggs they've laid; And there are hens, professing to have made A study of mankind, who say that men Whose business 'tis to drive the tongue or pen Make the most clamorous fanfaronade O'er their most worthless work; and I'm afraid They're not entirely different from the hen. Lo! the drum-major in his coat of gold, His blazing breeches and high-towering cap -- Imperiously pompous, grandly bold, Grim, resolute, an awe-inspiring chap! Who'd think this gorgeous creature's only virtue Is that in battle he will never hurt you? --Hannibal Hunsiker - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass.They say that hens do cackle loudest when There's nothing vital in the eggs they've laid; And there are hens, professing to have made A study of mankind, who say that men Whose business 'tis to drive the tongue or pen Make the most clamorous fanfaronade O'er their most worthless work; and I'm afraid They're not entirely different from the hen. Lo! the drum-major in his coat of gold, His blazing breeches and high-towering cap -- Imperiously pompous, grandly bold, Grim, resolute, an awe-inspiring chap! Who'd think this gorgeous creature's only virtue Is that in battle he will never hurt you? --Hannibal Hunsiker

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

HOVEL, n. The fruit of a flower called the Palace.Twaddle had a hovel, Twiddle had a palace; Twaddle said:

HOVEL, n. The fruit of a flower called the Palace.Twaddle had a hovel, Twiddle had a palace; Twaddle said: ""I'll grovel Or he'll think I bear him malice"" -- A sentiment as novel As a castor on a chalice.Down upon the middle Of his legs fell Twaddle And astonished Mr. Twiddle, Who began to lift his noddle. Feed upon the fiddle- Faddle flummery, unswaddle A new-born self-sufficiency and think himself a [mockery.] --G.J.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

HADES, n. The lower world; the residence of departed spirits; the place where the dead live. Among the ancients the idea of Hades was not synonymous with our Hell, many of the most respectable men of antiquity residing there in a very comfortable kind of way. Indeed, the Elysian Fields themselves were a part of Hades, though they have since been removed to Paris. When the Jacobean version of the New Testament was in process of evolution the pious and learned men engaged in the work insisted by a majority vote on translating the Greek word

HADES, n. The lower world; the residence of departed spirits; the place where the dead live. Among the ancients the idea of Hades was not synonymous with our Hell, many of the most respectable men of antiquity residing there in a very comfortable kind of way. Indeed, the Elysian Fields themselves were a part of Hades, though they have since been removed to Paris. When the Jacobean version of the New Testament was in process of evolution the pious and learned men engaged in the work insisted by a majority vote on translating the Greek word ""Aides"" as ""Hell""; but a conscientious minority member secretly possessed himself of the record and struck out the objectional word wherever he could find it. At the next meeting, the Bishop of Salisbury, looking over the work, suddenly sprang to his feet and said with considerable excitement: ""Gentlemen, somebody has been razing 'Hell' here!"" Years afterward the good prelate's death was made sweet by the reflection that he had been the means (under Providence) of making an important, serviceable and immortal addition to the phraseology of the English tongue.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

American Journalist

EPIGRAM, n. A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently characterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. Following are some of the more notable epigrams of the learned and ingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom:We know better the needs of ourselves than of others. To serve oneself is economy of administration.In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.There are three sexes; males, females and girls.Beauty in women and distinction in men are alike in this: they seem to be the unthinking a kind of credibility.Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of.While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch both his. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

EPIGRAM, n. A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently characterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. Following are some of the more notable epigrams of the learned and ingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom:We know better the needs of ourselves than of others. To serve oneself is economy of administration.In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.There are three sexes; males, females and girls.Beauty in women and distinction in men are alike in this: they seem to be the unthinking a kind of credibility.Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of.While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch both his.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

WIT, n. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

WIT, n. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Wit

DUEL, n. A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation of two enemies. Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; if awkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable consequences sometimes ensue. A long time ago a man lost his life in a duel.That dueling's a gentlemanly vice I hold; and wish that it had been my lot To live my life out in some favored spot -- Some country where it is considered nice To split a rival like a fish, or slice A husband like a spud, or with a shot Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot And ready to be put upon the ice. Some miscreants there are, whom I do long To shoot, to stab, or some such way reclaim The scurvy rogues to better lives and manners, I seem to see them now --a mighty throng. It looks as if to challenge _me_ they came, Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners! --Xamba Q. Dar - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

DUEL, n. A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation of two enemies. Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; if awkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable consequences sometimes ensue. A long time ago a man lost his life in a duel.That dueling's a gentlemanly vice I hold; and wish that it had been my lot To live my life out in some favored spot -- Some country where it is considered nice To split a rival like a fish, or slice A husband like a spud, or with a shot Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot And ready to be put upon the ice. Some miscreants there are, whom I do long To shoot, to stab, or some such way reclaim The scurvy rogues to better lives and manners, I seem to see them now --a mighty throng. It looks as if to challenge _me_ they came, Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners! --Xamba Q. Dar

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

MAD, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that themselves are sane. For illustration, this present (and illustrious) lexicographer is no firmer in the faith of his own sanity than is any inmate of any madhouse in the land; yet for aught he knows to the contrary, instead of the lofty occupation that seems to him to be engaging his powers he may really be beating his hands against the window bars of an asylum and declaring himself Noah Webster, to the innocent delight of many thoughtless spectators. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

MAD, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that themselves are sane. For illustration, this present (and illustrious) lexicographer is no firmer in the faith of his own sanity than is any inmate of any madhouse in the land; yet for aught he knows to the contrary, instead of the lofty occupation that seems to him to be engaging his powers he may really be beating his hands against the window bars of an asylum and declaring himself Noah Webster, to the innocent delight of many thoughtless spectators.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.Megaceph, chosen to serve the State In the halls of legislative debate, One day with all his credentials came To the capitol's door and announced his name. The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist Of the face, at the eminent egotist, And said:

EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.Megaceph, chosen to serve the State In the halls of legislative debate, One day with all his credentials came To the capitol's door and announced his name. The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist Of the face, at the eminent egotist, And said: ""Go away, for we settle here All manner of questions, knotty and queer, And we cannot have, when the speaker demands To be told how every member stands, A man who to all things under the sky Assents by eternally voting 'I'.""

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Taste

OMEN, n. A sign that something will happen if nothing happens. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

OMEN, n. A sign that something will happen if nothing happens.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

INJURY, n. An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

INJURY, n. An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

INDIFFERENT, adj. Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things.

INDIFFERENT, adj. Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things.""You tiresome man!"" cried Indolentio's wife,""You've grown indifferent to all in life.""""Indifferent?"" he drawled with a slow smile;""I would be, dear, but it is not worth while."" --Apuleius M. Gokul

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Man

INSURRECTION, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad government. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

INSURRECTION, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad government.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

GEOLOGY, n. The science of the earth's crust --to which, doubtless, will be added that of its interior whenever a man shall come up garrulous out of a well. The geological formations of the globe already noted are catalogued thus: The Primary, or lower one, consists of rocks, bones or mired mules, gas-pipes, miners' tools, antique statues minus the nose, Spanish doubloons and ancestors. The Secondary is largely made up of red worms and moles. The Tertiary comprises railway tracks, patent pavements, grass, snakes, mouldy boots, beer bottles, tomato cans, intoxicated citizens, garbage, anarchists, snap-dogs and fools. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

GEOLOGY, n. The science of the earth's crust --to which, doubtless, will be added that of its interior whenever a man shall come up garrulous out of a well. The geological formations of the globe already noted are catalogued thus: The Primary, or lower one, consists of rocks, bones or mired mules, gas-pipes, miners' tools, antique statues minus the nose, Spanish doubloons and ancestors. The Secondary is largely made up of red worms and moles. The Tertiary comprises railway tracks, patent pavements, grass, snakes, mouldy boots, beer bottles, tomato cans, intoxicated citizens, garbage, anarchists, snap-dogs and fools.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

RUSSIAN, n. A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul. A Tartar Emetic. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

RUSSIAN, n. A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul. A Tartar Emetic.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

INK, n. A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. The properties of ink are peculiar and contradictory: it may be used to make reputations and unmake them; to blacken them and to make them white; but it is most generally and acceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones of an edifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the rascal quality of the material. There are men called journalists who have established ink baths which some persons pay money to get into, others to get out of. Not infrequently it occurs that a person who has paid to get in pays twice as much to get out. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

INK, n. A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. The properties of ink are peculiar and contradictory: it may be used to make reputations and unmake them; to blacken them and to make them white; but it is most generally and acceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones of an edifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the rascal quality of the material. There are men called journalists who have established ink baths which some persons pay money to get into, others to get out of. Not infrequently it occurs that a person who has paid to get in pays twice as much to get out.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n. Depression of one's own spirits.Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot Where long the village rubbish had been shot Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps --

HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n. Depression of one's own spirits.Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot Where long the village rubbish had been shot Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps --""Hypochondriasis."" It meant The Dumps. --Bogul S. Purvy

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

American Journalist Belief

FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.The Maker, at Creation's birth, With living things had stocked the earth. From elephants to bats and snails, They all were good, for all were males. But when the Devil came and saw He said:

FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.The Maker, at Creation's birth, With living things had stocked the earth. From elephants to bats and snails, They all were good, for all were males. But when the Devil came and saw He said: ""By Thine eternal law Of growth, maturity, decay, These all must quickly pass away And leave untenanted the earth Unless Thou dost establish birth"" -- Then tucked his head beneath his wing To laugh --he had no sleeve --the thing With deviltry did so accord, That he'd suggested to the Lord. The Master pondered this advice, Then shook and threw the fateful dice Wherewith all matters here below Are ordered, and observed the throw; Then bent His head in awful state, Confirming the decree of Fate. From every part of earth anew The conscious dust consenting flew, While rivers from their courses rolled To make it plastic for the mould. Enough collected (but no more, For niggard Nature hoards her store) He kneaded it to flexible clay, While Nick unseen threw some away. And then the various forms He cast, Gross organs first and finer last; No one at once evolved, but all By even touches grew and small Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade, To match all living things He'd made Females, complete in all their parts Except (His clay gave out) the hearts.""No matter,"" Satan cried; ""with speed I'll fetch the very hearts they need"" -- So flew away and soon brought back The number needed, in a sack. That night earth range with sounds of strife -- Ten million males each had a wife; That night sweet Peace her pinions spread O'er Hell --ten million devils dead! --G.J.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

HEART, n. An automatic, muscular blood-pump. Figuratively, this useful organ is said to be the esat of emotions and sentiments --a very pretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a once universal belief. It is now known that the sentiments and emotions reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of the gastric fluid. The exact process by which a beefsteak becomes a feeling --tender or not, according to the age of the animal from which it was cut; the successive stages of elaboration through which a caviar sandwich is transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as a pungent epigram; the marvelous functional methods of converting a hard-boiled egg into religious contrition, or a cream-puff into a sigh of sensibility --these things have been patiently ascertained by M. Pasteur, and by him expounded with convincing lucidity. (See, also, my monograph, _The Essential Identity of the Spiritual Affections and Certain Intestinal Gases Freed in Digestion_ --4to, 687 pp.) In a scientific work entitled, I believe, _Delectatio Demonorum_ (John Camden Hotton, London, 1873) this view of the sentiments receives a striking illustration; and for further light consult Professor Dam's famous treatise on _Love as a Product of Alimentary Maceration_. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

HEART, n. An automatic, muscular blood-pump. Figuratively, this useful organ is said to be the esat of emotions and sentiments --a very pretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a once universal belief. It is now known that the sentiments and emotions reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of the gastric fluid. The exact process by which a beefsteak becomes a feeling --tender or not, according to the age of the animal from which it was cut; the successive stages of elaboration through which a caviar sandwich is transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as a pungent epigram; the marvelous functional methods of converting a hard-boiled egg into religious contrition, or a cream-puff into a sigh of sensibility --these things have been patiently ascertained by M. Pasteur, and by him expounded with convincing lucidity. (See, also, my monograph, _The Essential Identity of the Spiritual Affections and Certain Intestinal Gases Freed in Digestion_ --4to, 687 pp.) In a scientific work entitled, I believe, _Delectatio Demonorum_ (John Camden Hotton, London, 1873) this view of the sentiments receives a striking illustration; and for further light consult Professor Dam's famous treatise on _Love as a Product of Alimentary Maceration_.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

RASH, adj. Insensible to the value of our advice.

RASH, adj. Insensible to the value of our advice.""Now lay your bet with mine, nor let These gamblers take your cash.""""Nay, this child makes no bet."" ""Great snakes! How can you be so rash?"" --Bootle P. Gish

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Treat things divine with marked respect - don't have anything to do with them - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

Treat things divine with marked respect - don't have anything to do with them

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English society, the American wife of an English nobleman. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English society, the American wife of an English nobleman.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

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