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LEVIATHAN, n. An enormous aquatic animal mentioned by Job. Some suppose it to have been the whale, but that distinguished ichthyologer, Dr. Jordan, of Stanford University, maintains with considerable heat that it was a species of gigantic Tadpole (_Thaddeus Polandensis_) or Polliwig --_Maria pseudo-hirsuta_. For an exhaustive description and history of the Tadpole consult the famous monograph of Jane Potter, _Thaddeus of Warsaw_. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

LEVIATHAN, n. An enormous aquatic animal mentioned by Job. Some suppose it to have been the whale, but that distinguished ichthyologer, Dr. Jordan, of Stanford University, maintains with considerable heat that it was a species of gigantic Tadpole (_Thaddeus Polandensis_) or Polliwig --_Maria pseudo-hirsuta_. For an exhaustive description and history of the Tadpole consult the famous monograph of Jane Potter, _Thaddeus of Warsaw_.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

CONSULT, v.i. To seek another's disapproval of a course already decided on. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

CONSULT, v.i. To seek another's disapproval of a course already decided on.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Debauchee, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had the misfortune to overtake it. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

Debauchee, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had the misfortune to overtake it.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

CUPID, n. The so-called god of love. This bastard creation of a barbarous fancy was no doubt inflicted upon mythology for the sins of its deities. Of all unbeautiful and inappropriate conceptions this is the most reasonless and offensive. The notion of symbolizing sexual love by a semisexless babe, and comparing the pains of passion to the wounds of an arrow --of introducing this pudgy homunculus into art grossly to materialize the subtle spirit and suggestion of the work --this is eminently worthy of the age that, giving it birth, laid it on the doorstep of prosperity. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

CUPID, n. The so-called god of love. This bastard creation of a barbarous fancy was no doubt inflicted upon mythology for the sins of its deities. Of all unbeautiful and inappropriate conceptions this is the most reasonless and offensive. The notion of symbolizing sexual love by a semisexless babe, and comparing the pains of passion to the wounds of an arrow --of introducing this pudgy homunculus into art grossly to materialize the subtle spirit and suggestion of the work --this is eminently worthy of the age that, giving it birth, laid it on the doorstep of prosperity.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

EXECUTIVE, n. An officer of the Government, whose duty it is to enforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as the judicial department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of no effect. Following is an extract from an old book entitled, _The Lunarian Astonished_ --Pfeiffer & Co., Boston, 1803:LUNARIAN: Then when your Congress has passed a law it goes directly to the Supreme Court in order that it may at once be known whether it is constitutional? TERRESTRIAN: O no; it does not require the approval of the Supreme Court until having perhaps been enforced for many years somebody objects to its operation against himself --I mean his client. The President, if he approves it, begins to execute it at once. LUNARIAN: Ah, the executive power is a part of the legislative. Do your policemen also have to approve the local ordinances that they enforce? TERRESTRIAN: Not yet --at least not in their character of constables. Generally speaking, though, all laws require the approval of those whom they are intended to restrain. LUNARIAN: I see. The death warrant is not valid until signed by the murderer. TERRESTRIAN: My friend, you put it too strongly; we are not so consistent. LUNARIAN: But this system of maintaining an expensive judicial machinery to pass upon the validity of laws only after they have long been executed, and then only when brought before the court by some private person --does it not cause great confusion? TERRESTRIAN: It does. LUNARIAN: Why then should not your laws, previously to being executed, be validated, not by the signature of your President, but by that of the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court? TERRESTRIAN: There is no precedent for any such course. LUNARIAN: Precedent. What is that? TERRESTRIAN: It has been defined by five hundred lawyers in three volumes each. So how can any one know? - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

EXECUTIVE, n. An officer of the Government, whose duty it is to enforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as the judicial department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of no effect. Following is an extract from an old book entitled, _The Lunarian Astonished_ --Pfeiffer & Co., Boston, 1803:LUNARIAN: Then when your Congress has passed a law it goes directly to the Supreme Court in order that it may at once be known whether it is constitutional? TERRESTRIAN: O no; it does not require the approval of the Supreme Court until having perhaps been enforced for many years somebody objects to its operation against himself --I mean his client. The President, if he approves it, begins to execute it at once. LUNARIAN: Ah, the executive power is a part of the legislative. Do your policemen also have to approve the local ordinances that they enforce? TERRESTRIAN: Not yet --at least not in their character of constables. Generally speaking, though, all laws require the approval of those whom they are intended to restrain. LUNARIAN: I see. The death warrant is not valid until signed by the murderer. TERRESTRIAN: My friend, you put it too strongly; we are not so consistent. LUNARIAN: But this system of maintaining an expensive judicial machinery to pass upon the validity of laws only after they have long been executed, and then only when brought before the court by some private person --does it not cause great confusion? TERRESTRIAN: It does. LUNARIAN: Why then should not your laws, previously to being executed, be validated, not by the signature of your President, but by that of the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court? TERRESTRIAN: There is no precedent for any such course. LUNARIAN: Precedent. What is that? TERRESTRIAN: It has been defined by five hundred lawyers in three volumes each. So how can any one know?

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Duty

OPPOSITION, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from running amuck by hamstringing it. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

OPPOSITION, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from running amuck by hamstringing it.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Incompatibility: In matrimony, a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

Incompatibility: In matrimony, a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Taste

FRANKALMOIGNE, n. The tenure by which a religious corporation holds lands on condition of praying for the soul of the donor. In mediaeval times many of the wealthiest fraternities obtained their estates in this simple and cheap manner, and once when Henry VIII of England sent an officer to confiscate certain vast possessions which a fraternity of monks held by frankalmoigne,

FRANKALMOIGNE, n. The tenure by which a religious corporation holds lands on condition of praying for the soul of the donor. In mediaeval times many of the wealthiest fraternities obtained their estates in this simple and cheap manner, and once when Henry VIII of England sent an officer to confiscate certain vast possessions which a fraternity of monks held by frankalmoigne, "What!" said the Prior, "would you master stay our benefactor's soul in Purgatory?" "Ay," said the officer, coldly, "an ye will not pray him thence for naught he must e'en roast." "But look you, my son," persisted the good man, "this act hath rank as robbery of God!" "Nay, nay, good father, my master the king doth but deliver him from the manifold temptations of too great wealth."

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

MEEKNESS, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.M is for Moses, Who slew the Egyptian. As sweet as a rose is The meekness of Moses. No monument shows his Post-mortem inscription, But M is for Moses Who slew the Egyptian. --_The Biographical Alphabet_ - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

MEEKNESS, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.M is for Moses, Who slew the Egyptian. As sweet as a rose is The meekness of Moses. No monument shows his Post-mortem inscription, But M is for Moses Who slew the Egyptian. --_The Biographical Alphabet_

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

LAUREATE, adj. Crowned with leaves of the laurel. In England the Poet Laureate is an officer of the sovereign's court, acting as dancing skeleton at every royal feast and singing-mute at every royal funeral. Of all incumbents of that high office, Robert Southey had the most notable knack at drugging the Samson of public joy and cutting his hair to the quick; and he had an artistic color-sense which enabled him so to blacken a public grief as to give it the aspect of a national crime. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

LAUREATE, adj. Crowned with leaves of the laurel. In England the Poet Laureate is an officer of the sovereign's court, acting as dancing skeleton at every royal feast and singing-mute at every royal funeral. Of all incumbents of that high office, Robert Southey had the most notable knack at drugging the Samson of public joy and cutting his hair to the quick; and he had an artistic color-sense which enabled him so to blacken a public grief as to give it the aspect of a national crime.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

LAOCOON, n. A famous piece of antique scripture representing a priest of that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents. The skill and diligence with which the old man and lads support the serpents and keep them up to their work have been justly regarded as one of the noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery of human intelligence over brute inertia. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

LAOCOON, n. A famous piece of antique scripture representing a priest of that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents. The skill and diligence with which the old man and lads support the serpents and keep them up to their work have been justly regarded as one of the noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery of human intelligence over brute inertia.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Sons

WINE, n. Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union as

WINE, n. Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union as "liquor," sometimes as "rum." Wine, madam, is God's next best gift to man.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Wine

FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

It is evident that skepticism, while it makes no actual change in man, always makes him feel better. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

It is evident that skepticism, while it makes no actual change in man, always makes him feel better.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

American Journalist

INTERREGNUM, n. The period during which a monarchical country is governed by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne. The experiment of letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by most unhappy results from the zeal of many worthy persons to make it warm again. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

INTERREGNUM, n. The period during which a monarchical country is governed by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne. The experiment of letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by most unhappy results from the zeal of many worthy persons to make it warm again.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

MYRMIDON, n. A follower of Achilles --particularly when he didn't lead. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

MYRMIDON, n. A follower of Achilles --particularly when he didn't lead.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

To bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental result. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

To bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental result.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

HUMANITY, n. The human race, collectively, exclusive of the anthropoid poets. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

HUMANITY, n. The human race, collectively, exclusive of the anthropoid poets.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

SHERIFF, n. In America the chief executive office of a country, whose most characteristic duties, in some of the Western and Southern States, are the catching and hanging of rogues.John Elmer Pettibone Cajee(I write of him with little glee) Was just as bad as he could be.'Twas frequently remarked:

SHERIFF, n. In America the chief executive office of a country, whose most characteristic duties, in some of the Western and Southern States, are the catching and hanging of rogues.John Elmer Pettibone Cajee(I write of him with little glee) Was just as bad as he could be.'Twas frequently remarked: "I swon! The sun has never looked upon So bad a man as Neighbor John."A sinner through and through, he had This added fault: it made him mad To know another man was bad.In such a case he thought it right To rise at any hour of night And quench that wicked person's light.Despite the town's entreaties, he Would hale him to the nearest tree And leave him swinging wide and free.Or sometimes, if the humor came, A luckless wight's reluctant frame Was given to the cheerful flame.While it was turning nice and brown, All unconcerned John met the frown Of that austere and righteous town."How sad," his neighbors said, "that he So scornful of the law should be -- An anar c, h, i, s, t."(That is the way that they preferred To utter the abhorrent word, So strong the aversion that it stirred.)"Resolved," they said, continuing,"That Badman John must cease this thing Of having his unlawful fling."Now, by these sacred relics" --here Each man had out a souvenir Got at a lynching yesteryear --"By these we swear he shall forsake His ways, nor cause our hearts to ache By sins of rope and torch and stake."We'll tie his red right hand until He'll have small freedom to fulfil The mandates of his lawless will."So, in convention then and there, They named him Sheriff. The affair Was opened, it is said, with prayer. --J. Milton Sloluck

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

IMPROBABILITY, n.His tale he told with a solemn face And a tender, melancholy grace. Improbable 'twas, no doubt, When you came to think it out, But the fascinated crowd Their deep surprise avowed And all with a single voice averred'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard -- All save one who spake never a word, But sat as mum As if deaf and dumb, Serene, indifferent and unstirred. Then all the others turned to him And scrutinized him limb from limb -- Scanned him alive; But he seemed to thrive And tranquiler grow each minute, As if there were nothing in it.

IMPROBABILITY, n.His tale he told with a solemn face And a tender, melancholy grace. Improbable 'twas, no doubt, When you came to think it out, But the fascinated crowd Their deep surprise avowed And all with a single voice averred'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard -- All save one who spake never a word, But sat as mum As if deaf and dumb, Serene, indifferent and unstirred. Then all the others turned to him And scrutinized him limb from limb -- Scanned him alive; But he seemed to thrive And tranquiler grow each minute, As if there were nothing in it."What! what!" cried one, "are you not amazed At what our friend has told?" He raised Soberly then his eyes and gazed In a natural way And proceeded to say, As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf:"O no --not at all; I'm a liar myself."

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Doubt

INFANCY, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth,

INFANCY, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

HEMP, n. A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of neckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the open air and prevents the wearer from taking cold. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

HEMP, n. A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of neckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the open air and prevents the wearer from taking cold.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

LINEN, n.

LINEN, n. "A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp, entails a great waste of hemp." --Calcraft the Hangman.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

PERFECTION, n. An imaginary state of quality distinguished from the actual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic. The editor of an English magazine having received a letter pointing out the erroneous nature of his views and style, and signed

PERFECTION, n. An imaginary state of quality distinguished from the actual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic. The editor of an English magazine having received a letter pointing out the erroneous nature of his views and style, and signed "Perfection," promptly wrote at the foot of the letter: "I don't agree with you," and mailed it to Matthew Arnold.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition.

EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition.""I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner,"" said Brillat- Savarin, beginning an anecdote. ""What!"" interrupted Rochebriant; ""eating dinner in a drawing-room?"" ""I must beg you to observe, monsieur,"" explained the great gastronome, ""that I did not say I was eating my dinner, but enjoying it. I had dined an hour before.""

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

EAVESDROP, v.i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and vices of another or yourself.A lady with one of her ears applied To an open keyhole heard, inside, Two female gossips in converse free -- The subject engaging them was she.

EAVESDROP, v.i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and vices of another or yourself.A lady with one of her ears applied To an open keyhole heard, inside, Two female gossips in converse free -- The subject engaging them was she.""I think,"" said one, ""and my husband thinks That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"" As soon as no more of it she could hear The lady, indignant, removed her ear.""I will not stay,"" she said, with a pout,""To hear my character lied about!"" --Gopete Sherany

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

MINISTER, n. An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility. In diplomacy and officer sent into a foreign country as the visible embodiment of his sovereign's hostility. His principal qualification is a degree of plausible inveracity next below that of an ambassador. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

MINISTER, n. An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility. In diplomacy and officer sent into a foreign country as the visible embodiment of his sovereign's hostility. His principal qualification is a degree of plausible inveracity next below that of an ambassador.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Suffrage, noun. Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right of suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means, as commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of another man's choice, and is highly prized. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

Suffrage, noun. Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right of suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means, as commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of another man's choice, and is highly prized.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

American Journalist

What this country needs - what every country needs occasionally - is a good hard bloody war to revive the vice of patriotism on which its existence as a nation depends - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

What this country needs - what every country needs occasionally - is a good hard bloody war to revive the vice of patriotism on which its existence as a nation depends

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

What this country needs - what every country needs occasionally - is a good hard bloody war to revive the vice of patriotism on which its existence as a nation depends - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

What this country needs - what every country needs occasionally - is a good hard bloody war to revive the vice of patriotism on which its existence as a nation depends

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

HYDRA, n. A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many heads. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

HYDRA, n. A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many heads.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

ZEAL, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl.When Zeal sought Gratitude for his reward He went away exclaiming:

ZEAL, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl.When Zeal sought Gratitude for his reward He went away exclaiming: ""O my Lord!""""What do you want?"" the Lord asked, bending down.""An ointment for my cracked and bleeding crown."" --Jum Coople

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

ZEAL, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

ZEAL, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

TRICHINOSIS, n. The pig's reply to proponents of porcophagy. Moses Mendlessohn having fallen ill sent for a Christian physician, who at once diagnosed the philosopher's disorder as trichinosis, but tactfully gave it another name.

TRICHINOSIS, n. The pig's reply to proponents of porcophagy. Moses Mendlessohn having fallen ill sent for a Christian physician, who at once diagnosed the philosopher's disorder as trichinosis, but tactfully gave it another name. ""You need and immediate change of diet,"" he said; ""you must eat six ounces of pork every other day.""""Pork?"" shrieked the patient --""pork? Nothing shall induce me to touch it!""""Do you mean that?"" the doctor gravely asked.""I swear it!""""Good! --then I will undertake to cure you.""

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

OPPOSE, v. To assist with obstructions and objections. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

OPPOSE, v. To assist with obstructions and objections.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Christians and camels receive their burdens kneeling - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

Christians and camels receive their burdens kneeling

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

OPTIMISM, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and is most acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof --an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

OPTIMISM, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and is most acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof --an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

SACERDOTALIST, n. One who holds the belief that a clergyman is a priest. Denial of this momentous doctrine is the hardest challenge that is now flung into the teeth of the Episcopalian church by the Neo-Dictionarians. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

SACERDOTALIST, n. One who holds the belief that a clergyman is a priest. Denial of this momentous doctrine is the hardest challenge that is now flung into the teeth of the Episcopalian church by the Neo-Dictionarians.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

IMPALE, v.t. In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which remains fixed in the wound. This, however, is inaccurate; to imaple is, properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into the body, the victim being left in a sitting position. This was a common mode of punishment among many of the nations of antiquity, and is still in high favor in China and other parts of Asia. Down to the beginning of the fifteenth century it was widely employed in

IMPALE, v.t. In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which remains fixed in the wound. This, however, is inaccurate; to imaple is, properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into the body, the victim being left in a sitting position. This was a common mode of punishment among many of the nations of antiquity, and is still in high favor in China and other parts of Asia. Down to the beginning of the fifteenth century it was widely employed in ""churching"" heretics and schismatics. Wolecraft calls it the ""stoole of repentynge,"" and among the common people it was jocularly known as ""riding the one legged horse."" Ludwig Salzmann informs us that in Thibet impalement is considered the most appropriate punishment for crimes against religion; and although in China it is sometimes awarded for secular offences, it is most frequently adjudged in cases of sacrilege. To the person in actual experience of impalement it must be a matter of minor importance by what kind of civil or religious dissent he was made acquainted with its discomforts; but doubtless he would feel a certain satisfaction if able to contemplate himself in the character of a weather-cock on the spire of the True Church.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earh and Canada.When the world was young and Man was new, And everything was pleasant, Distinctions Nature never drew'Mongst kings and priest and peasant. We're not that way at present, Save here in this Republic, where We have that old regime, For all are kings, however bare Their backs, howe'er extreme Their hunger. And, indeed, each has a voice To accept the tyrant of his party's choice.A citizen who would not vote, And, therefore, was detested, Was one day with a tarry coat(With feathers backed and breasted) By patriots invested.

MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earh and Canada.When the world was young and Man was new, And everything was pleasant, Distinctions Nature never drew'Mongst kings and priest and peasant. We're not that way at present, Save here in this Republic, where We have that old regime, For all are kings, however bare Their backs, howe'er extreme Their hunger. And, indeed, each has a voice To accept the tyrant of his party's choice.A citizen who would not vote, And, therefore, was detested, Was one day with a tarry coat(With feathers backed and breasted) By patriots invested.""It is your duty,"" cried the crowd,""Your ballot true to cast For the man o' your choice."" He humbly bowed, And explained his wicked past:""That's what I very gladly would have done, Dear patriots, but he has never run."" --Apperton Duke

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

DIE, n. The singular of

DIE, n. The singular of ""dice."" We seldom hear the word, because there is a prohibitory proverb, ""Never say die."" At long intervals, however, some one says: ""The die is cast,"" which is not true, for it is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet by that eminent poet and domestic economist, Senator Depew:A cube of cheese no larger than a die May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

Enthusiasm. A distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

Enthusiasm. A distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

BEFRIEND, v.t. To make an ingrate. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

BEFRIEND, v.t. To make an ingrate.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

OPPOSITION, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from running amuck by hamstringing it. The King of Ghargaroo, who had been abroad to study the science of government, appointed one hundred of his fattest subjects as members of a parliament to make laws for the collection of revenue. Forty of these he named the Party of Opposition and had his Prime Minister carefully instruct them in their duty of opposing every royal measure. Nevertheless, the first one that was submitted passed unanimously. Greatly displeased, the King vetoed it, informing the Opposition that if they did that again they would pay for their obstinacy with their heads. The entire forty promptly disemboweled themselves.

OPPOSITION, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from running amuck by hamstringing it. The King of Ghargaroo, who had been abroad to study the science of government, appointed one hundred of his fattest subjects as members of a parliament to make laws for the collection of revenue. Forty of these he named the Party of Opposition and had his Prime Minister carefully instruct them in their duty of opposing every royal measure. Nevertheless, the first one that was submitted passed unanimously. Greatly displeased, the King vetoed it, informing the Opposition that if they did that again they would pay for their obstinacy with their heads. The entire forty promptly disemboweled themselves.""What shall we do now?"" the King asked. ""Liberal institutions cannot be maintained without a party of Opposition.""""Splendor of the universe,"" replied the Prime Minister, ""it is true these dogs of darkness have no longer their credentials, but all is not lost. Leave the matter to this worm of the dust."" So the Minister had the bodies of his Majesty's Opposition embalmed and stuffed with straw, put back into the seats of power and nailed there. Forty votes were recorded against every bill and the nation prospered. But one day a bill imposing a tax on warts was defeated --the members of the Government party had not been nailed to their seats! This so enraged the King that the Prime Minister was put to death, the parliament was dissolved with a battery of artillery, and government of the people, by the people, for the people perished from Ghargaroo.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

ALLEGIANCE, n.This thing Allegiance, as I suppose, Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose, Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed To smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed. --G.J. - Ambrose Gwinett Bierce Quotes

ALLEGIANCE, n.This thing Allegiance, as I suppose, Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose, Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed To smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed. --G.J.

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce

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